so today i went to the gym with my best friend.  i got a 7-day guest pass, and only had to sit through an interview where they try and sell me a membership.  The incredibly fit and easy on the eyes employee asked what my weight loss goal was.  i  told him i would like to be 140.  he asked when and i said i planning on being there by NEXT christmas.  he looked at me oddly.  he was like "why not this christmas?"
i told him that i thought that 60 lbs in 3 months was a bit on the extreme side for me.  he looked again and said "you know it's possible."  at this point i was just trying not to get sucked into a gym membership that i would love, but cannot afford.  so, completely deadpan, i responded, "seeing as i have already lost 100 lbs since last christmas, i thought i would give myself a little more time on that last 60." 
he was visibly taken aback.  i felt good about myself. 

the catch is, now that i am home, planning my return trip...my mind keeps wandering back to his optimistic view of my weight loss goals.  to be honest, i plan on reaching my goal long before next christmas.  i just didnt feel like i had to set an amazingly aggressive schedule because...well really?  its the HOLIDAYS.  im gonna eat.  i know i'm going to eat.  why set myself up for dissapointment and self loathing. 

but 140 by christmas.  it would almost be worth it.  almost. 

so today i weighed 201.  i thought that being this close to 200 would make it eaiser to behave, but it isnt.  ive been somewhat out of control today...

i just thought that being this close to a landmark would be super motivating...instead i just...i dunno.  its really anti-climactic.

tomorrow i'll be 202...maybe then i will be able to get things under control...

so i'm totally frustrated.  this morning i weighed in at 208 again.  i have offically lost 99 lbs (although, some of those lbs i've lost more than once!)

it seems live ive been at 208 (and then 209, and then 210, and then 209) forever!  if i hit 207 it would be my 100 lb lost mark, but i just can't seem to do it.

i know i know, i just need to endure and i will get there.  it just is annoying because the lower my weight goes, the harder i have to fight over each lb.  i would really really like to be down to 160 by christmas, which is like 3 lbs a week every week until then.  i know it isnt going to happen...but its a goal.  sigh.  im just somewhat...despondent today.  wish that damn scale would move!

as of today, i have 100 lbs left to lose.  im closer now to acheiving my goal weight than i have been in more than 5 years.  i mean, ive lost 67 lbs since december...thats not bad, right? 

yesterday i asked my mom, who was already going to walmart, to pick me up a pair of leggings.  i told her that when i had gone to a different store earlier, they had a size 2x, which wasnt what i wanted.  she said, "oh, you need 3x?" and i said, "no, xl."  what followed was 5 minutes of her not believing me about the size im wearing.   she kept trying to tell me that i really meant 3x, not xl.  four months ago i was a 4x...but now im not. 

she brought me a size 2x, and kept urging me to just try them on, because they'll probably fit. 

now, i love my mom, but this episode has left me less than thrilled.  i realize i have lost a lot of weight, and i know where the reluctance has come from (she wears an xl...how can i wear one too?).  i dont think she means to do it, but its still annoying.

but then again, i guess it is better than a lecture on losing weight too quickly (which is probably coming soon)

just my random thoughts for today

here it is, the thursday before the big trip...two days until we head out on a road trip across these great united states (or at least across a couple of them). 

we are driving to kentucky, from california.  then up to indiana and then back to california.  we are taking a full car-load, traveling in a party of 8.  This includes my two stepdaughters and a fiance, my three kids under 6, my husband and myself.  we are all going out to meet my husbands family for the first time (well my husband has met them before).  he had been estranged (courtesy of his ex-wife) from them for 20 years.  i found them on the internet last fall....and very soon afterwards this trip was planned.

so not only do i get to meet my inlaws, for the very first time, looking as i do.  but i am going to be on a road trip going through some of the most amazing bbq states known to man while doing it.  and i cant figure out a way to justify packing my scale (what do you mean honey, don't most people pack a scale when they go on family vacations?)

i worked sooo hard to meet my mini goal (which conveniently was set right before we left), but now i'm terrified i am going to come back 20 lbs heavier than i am right now, and i will have to fight through each and every single one of those lbs again. 

i know, the advice is, "just eat healthy and you will be fine."  but healthy is hard to do when everyone around you is chowing down on some of the most delcious looking bbq ribs in the entire world.  i just...i foresee a problem.  i guess there isnt much i can do about it, save not going into the restraunts (which, with my three little ones...isnt really an option).

sigh.  i think i would just feel so much better just knowing i would be able to weigh myself while i was gone.  that way i could reign in my desires easier, once i saw that number escalating.  or, i suppose, it could work in my favor....i could go a little easier on myself if it didnt jump as fast as i fear it will (which isnt bloody likely).

i still dont think my husband would understand.

 

well so far so good with the diet, i suppose.  ive lost 51 lbs since i started dieting, and 21 since i started on this site...im 6 lbs away from my first mini goal, and it looks like i am going to meet it by the deadline i set for myself.

the biggest problem that i have is that i get these stupid dizzy bouts that are so annoying.  the room will just start spinning and i feel like i am either going to fall out of my chair, or walk into walls (which i actually have done a couple times).  its kind of like being drunk, only without the fun part. 

ive tested my blood sugar when i'm feeling dizzy, and it is not low (in the 90s), so it isnt that.  its just super troublesome, because these periods come at very inoportune times (is there really ever a good time for the room to spin?)

sigh.  oh well.  i guess you win some and you lose some...and i have a lot more to lose :)

yesterday was a bad day.  not as far as my diet (monday was the bad day for that) but as far as my morale. 

monday i was just a little tooooo eager to taste those mashed potatoes i made.  that resulted in the low morale yesterday.  for the first time in three weeks the number on the scale had actually gone up.  stayed the same i could have delt with, but up?  i kept wondering what the point was.  i mean, why make myself suffer so much when one little stray can have more negative effect than a day of behaving perfectly.  i kept wondering if i should just give up.

but give up and be where?  fat and unhappy.  sick of buying big clothes and sick of not liking what i see in the mirror.  yeah.  dieting sucks.  it really really really f*ing sucks.  but so does being fat. 

and why not keep trying just for a while longer.  i mean, i didnt put all this weight on in a day or a week or a month...so why shouldnt it take a little time in order to take it off.  yeah, i screwed up.  but yesterday i behaved and the number on the scale was back in line today.  and if i behave today, maybe tomorrow i'll actually smile when i get on the scale.  and if not tomorrow...there is always next week, and next month. 

its just a matter of not giving up.  which, like everything worth doing...is a lot easier to say then it is to do.

i keep walking into the kitchen...im hungry.  i just go in and pace back and forth.  i know i need to eat something...but what?  what can i have that wont stall my loss. 

i know i know, eating is important.  but at what point is my goal more important?  right now i'm just stalling.  i dont want to eat anything specific...just to eat. 

i think i might just go run instead...delay the inevitable. 

The thing i think i hate about dieting the most is that i feel so lonesome while doing it.  I know i am not dieting in a healthy way, and thats fine with me.  it'll be worth it when i reach my goal.  but because im not doing it right, i kind of want to hide the extents that i am going to.  the right way would be to reorganize my life and completely concentrate on eating healthy things, not concentrate on calories and grams of fat. 

but counting things acheives faster results, and thats kind of what im goign for.  so here i am, im doing pretty well on my diet, but feel lonesome.  On christmas, 3 weeks ago (give or take a few days) i weighed 307 lbs.  Today i weighed 277, and that is after a night of drinking (which must have been a bunch of calories i didnt need).

Im going to meet my goal.  I will i will i will.  i just wish it was as easy to take the weight off as it was to put it on.